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Mon, Dec. 22nd, 2003, 01:38 am
be thou my vision


all of the things we say
all of the things we do

so small.


and on top of it all i still hold concepts, acting on them to the point of dangerous stupidity, that have no bearing on what's going on right now at all.

and i lost my job.

and i lost my job.

and i lost my job.

and i lost my job.

and i lost my job.

and i lost my job.

whoops, there goes my job. where'd it go? it seemed to have slipt away. i think i'll go for a walk and see about finding it.

it's in the hands of the man. he's keeping it safe from any encroachment on my part. he won't be giving it back. it's his, to do with as he sees fit.

I'm thinking he probably sees fit to hand it over to someone who will take a little more shit than I'm capable of taking, cut a little more wood, a little faster, than I'm capable of doing.

I KNEW I was getting fired the whole week, that's what messes with my head at moments like these. I KNEW it. There wasn't a doubt in my mind. Okay, well, that's not true -- there are always doubts. But the fact remains that I did know I was getting axed that week.


And I'm acting just like someone who got axed this week too. Talking about it non-stop, thinking about it non-stop.

Pretty fucking sad when the only thing in my life that really gets me thinking hard and talking non-stop is losing my job.


But like every other great generalization of our time, it's not the only thing.

I think hard and talk non-stop about a lot of things these days. I'm wanting to open up a house, a community, start one with my wife. We'll do the whole nine-yards thing. Have the coffee house. Have the theater. I want a theater in our house that we can show free movies in. There'll be show times just like a real theater. People will have to show respect to the house to be allowed to stay -- but other than that, anyone can come in.

And we'll show great films about real life, and the real things that are going on right now.

And yeah, it's all so optimistic and idealistic and every other stick you'd like to beat it with -- but another fact remains tonight, and that's the fact that it's been done before.

I saw a film tonight where someone from GreenPeace was confronting these top guys, management of some sort, at a huge petroleum processing plant on the Mississippi river. He just stood there telling them about the cancer they're injecting the towns around them with. He's telling them about whole portions or his town that are now dead from cancer, where before, there was no cancer. How they move in, people start dying, it's not right, we're going to fucking




I don't know. I'm unemployed. Great people in life see past their situation to a goal and climb on anything and everything they can to reach that goal, knowing that goal is far more important than any bullshit corners they'll have to cut to get there.

Like working for the man,
every night and day.

Sending off tax dollars to be used by fascists running a think and angry regime of hatred for all that don't want money. Lots of money. Most importantly, always MORE money. More more more more more more more more more more.

And still MORE!

Never getting enough. Eating it up like a dog licking hot butter. It tastes so good. The dog doesn't know that it's going to be throwing it all back up in the yard in an hour. Maybe it knows, it's done it before, it just can't pass up the taste of hot butter on a white porcelain plate. It laps and laps and laps and laps.

After it vomits in the side yard, having eaten it's fair share of grass for the day, it returns to that vomit and takes a smell.

It smells like butter.

It eats the butter. It's not quite as hot this time. It's not quite as fun. But it's butter dammit -- it'll probably lead to MORE butter. There's going to be more butter when I'm done with this!

If there's not, we'll fix the elections, we'll create national disasters, we'll overthrow countries and use their oil to BUY MORE BUTTER!

We are Dogs, goddammnit, We are ENTITLED to Butter.

All the butter we can get our paws on.


So what if there isn't enough butter to go around, and kids and men and women all over this globe are slowly spinning to death. Each turn bringing them closer to their last.

There is a season.

That season is now.


We have to do something with our life. We have to settle the scores inside each of us. No one else is going to do that for us. Then we act. And we act fast and ruthless. We act with all the courage and all of skill of people who were born to free worlds.


So it's optimistic and idealistick and every other stick you care to beat it with -- but I'll take it over the opposite any day.

Wed, Dec. 17th, 2003, 04:23 pm
a poem of my life, for my wife

soft train whistle in the distance,
pensively seated between the clouds,
waiting for it's time, come shortly,
for it to whistle loud.

squealing down the overhead,
ripping through the streets,
when they're all ripped from their perches,
we'll have food to eat.

misty swirls of laden flow,
little piles of half-melted snow,
evermore to Thee i owe,
a charge at all that's low.

to fight and not grow weary more,
to not lock both of my front doors,
to slay the guilt and nerves inside,
for one more day, just one more time,
i have to trust i won't grow frail,
i have to know i just can't fail,
to feel so hot the flirting tale,
of all i could be doing.


and paranoia has no place,
for displaced anger has it's face,
and reared it's head in such disgrace,
we can not hate each other.

we're bonded now, through and through,
and no amount of screams can do,
the tearing up of bonds we made,
that windy summer day.

fight and throw and scream and fall,
and whimpers heard all down the hall,
and pleads of stay, you can't go out,
i hate you, but i don't.

so worry for safety,
five minutes before,
i laughed, said "i hate you,"
"right there's the door,"

it's all such an over-dramatic damn boor,
and i just can't take any more.


when night falls down,
so heavy and thick,
we climb in our bed,
so cold and so quick,
and there we fall fluid and lucid again,
and all of life's games melt away.
and all of the mean things we've said through the day,
and all of the bullshit and dramatic waste,
and all of our feelings shot through at point-blank,

are melting and healing and thriving again,
we're one and we're buzzing and melting again,
and melting and melting and melting again,
and melting and melting and melting again.


it's our very first Christmas, on 234,
and i've got some chores, must get out the door.

Wed, Dec. 17th, 2003, 03:18 pm
here comes the sun.

I was canned today. I'm not a canned food. I don't enjoy being canned. I don't like hanging out in clusters of cardboard and plastic wrap, pretending hard to look like it keeps out dirt.

Bullshit. Pure bullshit. You can see there are gaps on the sides. Okay, so maybe it's for holding the damn things in -- well, you .. well, you have me there.

Today I lost my job. Worry and fret. Worry and fret. Launched a bunch of others into worrying about us.


Sat, Dec. 13th, 2003, 04:38 am
thumping down below

"I don't care what bumps beneath me in the night," my daughter said in her sleep, "you see, i have no fear, 'cause i have sight!" I sat up straight in my bed. We'd been waiting for this moment to arrive, and finally, out of nowhere, was this flashing huge red light, urgent and screaming for the attention of a planet. "LOOK AT WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO YOU!" my daughter screamed. She had my attention. She had my red lights. She had my moments alone. She had the bad thoughts I'd been thinking since I'd been alive. She looked straight at me and her eyes rolled back in her head and she burped.

"Excuse me," she said. I was too scared to speak. Her eyes rolled back to where they normally went and she said, "Good morning Father. Congratulations." "For what?" I replied. "For waking up. A lot of people don't ever get to wake up. A lot of people that are sleeping right now won't wake up tomorrow. They'll never wake up. Tomorrow will be their last chance to wake up, and they won't." She stood up and walked towards me. She sat down on the bed next to me and a peace swept over me. "They'll never make you wake up, It's just something you have to want. You have to want to do it." "Wake up." I repeated. "Wake up." She replied.


It's just that there's so much crazy shit going on in our world right now. We've got the leaders of our country in bed with every major corporation known to man ... you know, if i didn't know better I'd think maybe corporations were trying to take over the world. They were buying their way into office via countless trojan horses. They were escalating tension between the world and us until other countries would have no other move but to attack, before we got too big and took over the world.

When our leader can say utter fucking bullshit as "International law? I better call my lawyer. I don't know what you're talking about, about international law.

When he can say something like that and not be swatted down by some government agency you've got a problem. But it's a Democracy. That's what the right wing keep telling us. No, fuck that, you know what it is? IT'S:


When they get on their talk shows and they tear apart environmental laws, who are they benefiting? Are they benefiting a group of people who just happen to like a forecast of acid rain for the next 2,000 years? Maybe followed by sludge that just drops in big glops and kills thousand every day?

NO. They are benefiting large corporations who just want to make MORE MONEY. Cause that's what they need. MORE MONEY. Like a hole in the head. A tail on the ass. A peanut in the elephant's shit. They're just pawns.

I mean it.

When they get on their talk shows and start saying shit like, "all liberals hate themselves. all liberals don't really like who they are as people." -- Rush Limbaugh.

I used to get mad at the cat crap this jackass would spew, anymore though, I just have to laugh. Because it's just such unbelievable putrid TRASH! It makes me wonder how people can swallow that rubbish.


these are just some things i'm thinking about tonight.


Tue, Nov. 11th, 2003, 10:12 pm
long hard slog.

maybe the reason i've always identified with film roles like the one Michael Douglas plays in "falling down" is because i'm destined to play one.

a reigned in semi-adult forced to slog through day to day life in some shitty-ass job, hoping maybe ... someday ... life will be better, somehow, than it is now.

maybe i'm just always going to be an out of touch clueless angry (at who? at myself. at the world. at anything and everyone and everything ...) white male, living in america, off the backs of all you foreign souls paying the price for our SUV's and BIG GULPS with your families and land.

if i had a choice, when i was born, where as to have my body dropped -- it wouldn't have been in this country. i love my parents. i love my family. i just hate this country.

see, i'm a guild-ridden person by nature. anxiety too. i've had this aching in my gut for as long as i can remember. sometimes, like right now, when i make myself aware of it, i can force the aching to go away. but as soon as i stop thinking about it, it comes back.

it's like my normal setting is fear. anxiety. guilt. dark and humorously ironic is it that i live in a culture that mass produces fear and anxiety by (buy?) the shitloads, so as to bend public mind into fucking a defenseless country in the ass.


"cause they've got nuk*le*yur weapons!" so says our fucking retarded leader.


so, can i write about anything aside from politics and doom and gloom?

i like to think so, from time to time.


in \windows there is a file called imsins.log -- fear it. they're logging your instant message sins. go look for yourself.

okay, so maybe you don't have it. help them out a minute, will you, and start making one. here's a handy template:

Start --> Run --> C:\Windows\System32\cmd.exe

edit imsins.log

{copy and paste the following}

DuckLover59: today i thought bad things about microsoft.
NashDream12: yeah, so did i.
DuckLover59: what were your bad things?
NashDream12: well, today i thought about what it would be like if the company fell and all of their workers were forced to file for unemployment and bill gates personally showed up at each of their unemployment hearings to give ample (manufactured, just like their sincerity in helping children learn, in their new commercials) evidence as to why the employee shouldn't be given unemployment benefits -- forcing the workers to aimlessly wander the streets with signs like "will write junk code for food" -- or -- "will aid in setting up large monopoly for unlimited access to infinitely crappy software"
DuckLover59: i'm sorry, that's too hot for me to talk about.
NashDream12: come on, what were your thoughts?
DuckLover59: i just thought the windows xp startup screen looked silly.
NashDream12: you lie, there's more. tell me.
DuckLover59: all right, i admit it ... today i wished, out loud even, that the microsoft building(s) would turn to cheese, forcing all of the workers inside to tunnel their way out by eating it.
NashDream12: there's more ... i know there is.
DuckLover59: and they're all lactose intolerant.
NashDream12: oh, that is evil.
DuckLover59: gotta go, friends is coming on.
NashDream12: see you in court you freedom loving bastard.
DuckLover59: i'm sorry?
NashDream12: this is bill gates. you've crossed the line this time pal.


okay, so it would seem i have entirely too much time on my hands tonight.

well you know what? that's not true. i'm going to bed now. BLAH!

Mon, Nov. 10th, 2003, 09:36 pm


crosby, stills, nash & someone else
american dream
the war on terrorism
a hard rain's gonna fall

"what did you see me blue eyed son?
and what did you see my darling young one?
i saw new born baby with wild wolves all around it,
i saw a highway of diamonds with nobody on it.
i saw a black branch with blood that kept dripping,
i saw a room full of men with hammers that kept bleeding ...

i saw 10,000 talkers who's tongues were all broken."

Sat, Nov. 8th, 2003, 12:11 am

it's so cold in our apartment tonight. we have a boiler downstairs that's supposed to be doing it's job. apparently, it's not.

"what the hell," just said my wife. i agree. although she's referring to a game of scrabble currently being played with her sister.

well, it's 12:08 PM and i should be in bed. i have to go to work in the morning. it's most likely going to be hell. fortunately it's only for 4.5 hours. exactly. none longer. well, probably a minute or two longer as i usually clock in a minute or two early.

this is a dumb and dumber pointless entry.

i'm going to bed.

we got a copier tonight from salvation army. it's a canon pc430. it rocks. it works even. it was 9.99 -- which is a lot cheaper than it's currently going for on ebay.com and amazon.com and such web sites.

my bowels are ready for moving and my bed is ready for use. adios.

Thu, Nov. 6th, 2003, 07:14 pm
long hard tiring day.

what a day. today at work a couple guys almost got into a fight. stupid children.

i work with rednecks who are so ignorant and stupid they think they have a right to be assholes to this russian guy we work with, and make fun of him, calling him "stupid fucking russian." it just mainly makes me sad i guess.

i feel so exhausted from work today. our cat is going back in heat again. she needs fixed. or knocked up. one or the other. i prefer knocked up. i know the entire world thinks you should get your pets fixed to "control the pet population" as bob barker says ... but i think it's fucked up.

a cat or a dog oughta be able to get knocked up when they get the notion to. why not? we can. why don't we start fixing poor people next, to help control the poor population.

oh wait, we already do.

Wed, Nov. 5th, 2003, 06:18 am

I'm so tired. Just woke up. Going to take a bath. Thought I'd write something more than the first entry in here.

Yesterday at work it was so easy. I had to cut 4 SLB5's. SLB5 stands for "Sleigh Bench 5," and it's this weird sleigh looking bench with a flip-up type storage compartment in it. Probably really expensive too.

The legs for those take forever, which, "forever" being all damn day, yesterday at least. I probably could have made them faster -- but I did a good job instead.

Anyway, enough about making parts for work. I should go take a bath now. I just hope today goes as fast as yesterday did.

Democracy Now! for Tuesday, November 4th, 2003. They might finally be uploading their mp3 of the whole show sooner than a week later. Yesterday's is up already. This show is great.


Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2003, 06:43 pm

This is the first entry I've ever made in here. Pointless and true.